My Top Five

My wife has had conversations with other bloggers and friends about their top five guys.  Basically the top men that they find attractive or gets them all hot and bothered.  Obviously besides their husbands since I know I’d top my wife’s list even over the likes of Rob Lowe, Ryan Reynolds and all the rest.  Yeah right.  Like I could compete with those guys.  That isn’t even me fishing for a compliment from her in the comments section.  Normally I can say things like “I have a winning personality, and I think I’m pretty good dad and husband” to sort of put myself ahead of the normal celebrity crushes.  But damnit those guys also have winning personalities, are good husbands and fathers and have killer looks with a ton of money (And Reynolds is Canadian.  CANADIAN!  How can I compare with that?).  Can’t compete.  Wouldn’t even try.

I was also quite pleased that her and her friends were even having the conversation.  Normally men are portrayed as the horn dogs that constantly come up with female celebrities to ogle and rank.  Look at the Maxim Hot 100 list that comes out every year for proof of that.  Does Maxim magazine even exist anymore?  Why are they still putting out a hot list when there is no magazine to put it in?  But I digress.  It was actually quite refreshing to be somewhat of a fly on the wall for the conversation.  Women have the same capacity to treat the opposite sex like objects as men.  I applaud it.  I’m sure it is some result of the women’s rights movement or something like that.  All I know is that men get a bad rap and shouldn’t feel guilty about this anymore.

The conversation between my wife and her friends also got me thinking about my list.  We all have one, and anyone that says they don’t is a liar.  You hear me?  You’re lying not only to us but yourself.  It made me realize that I hadn’t really run an inventory on my list in quite some time.  I wondered if there were any new people that would crack my top five, so I’d figure I would share it with the blogger world.

Now before I continue I know what you’re going to say: “You’re a father of girls now.  How can you still look at women the same way and simply think of them as a number or a ranking?  These women are someone’s daughters.  How would you feel if your girls became just a number on some guy’s list?”  My response:  I can still do it because I’m a man, and that is what men do.  Celebrities want to be ogled and fawned over for their looks and sexuality.  It’s the nature of celebrity.  My girls will always have enough self-respect to be more than an object, but I can’t control if some guys think they’re attractive when they grow up.  I can only control loading the shotgun to keep them away.

Before I get to my list, this doesn't include my wife who is my obvious number one above all others.  This is more just about celebrities.  My steady number one besides her is always the same, so basically I’ll be listing off the Top 5 after my normal number one.  But I should at least mention my top spot.  That of course is Brad Pitt.  I mean I’m not gay, but Brad Pitt transcends the normal homo/heterosexual definitions.  If you don’t find Brad Pitt attractive then you aren’t a human being, and you should be brought in for questioning.  Basically you can’t be trusted.  I think he may be the one person (male or female) that should appear on any person’s list.  If I can’t convince you then this should:

Still not on your list?  Seriously?

Okay on to my Top Five with the only rule being that they are contemporary celebrities.  I could do a list of Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn or Elizabeth Taylor in their primes, but that loses sight of the present and is a different list.  I have to keep it current in my opinion.

5.  Jessica Alba

I think Jessica Alba has been on my list since her time on Dark Angel, the short-lived Fox show.  Her olive skin and brunette hair has always appealed to my sensibilities (brunette hair especially as you’ll see on the majority of my list).  She’s also kind of goofy and plays to comedy a lot.  There is something to be said about a great sense of humor.  But she really put herself as a permanent fixture on my list after Sin City/Into the Blue double feature.  "Damn" is really the only thing you can say about those particular roles.

4. Carrie Underwood

How beautiful is Carrie Underwood?  But she isn't just looks.  She is very talented and has some very catchy songs.  She kills it every time she performs the National Anthem and looks ravishing while doing it.  She just seems classy, and that is in spite of dating Tony Romo.  He didn't even ruin.  She looks gorgeous on every red carpet without forcing it and slutting up.  I respect that and it just makes her that much more appealing.

3. Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale is arguably the most beautiful woman alive.  Esquire magazine seemed to agree when she was named Sexiest Woman Alive in their annual issue.  She is British which is always a plus (Accents are hot, and we can all agree on that).  She looks phenomenal in a leather cat suit.  Her looks work in any era as she proved in Pearl Harbor and The Aviator.  Plus I have a huge soft spot for the movie Serendipity.  She is the classic brunette beauty.

2.  Natalie Portman

It isn’t so much that Natalie Portman is sexy (although she can definitely pull that off).  That isn’t the attraction for me.  Watch her in Garden State and try not to fall in love with her.  She is cute and can be quirky.  She is beautiful but isn’t afraid to look a little foolish or poke fun at herself.  She had that phenomenal rap video from SNL.  She can be geeky enough as to not intimidate you but probably out of your league (I mean she went to Harvard and won an Oscar).  She is like your friend’s little sister that you always dismissed growing up, but you run into her later on and start questioning why you never gave her a second thought.

1. Charlize Theron

I don’t know that there is a more beautiful person that has ever walked this earth (non-Brad Pitt and my wife division).  If she was born 70 years ago, she would have been the most beautiful person in the world and a Hollywood starlet even then.  If she was born 1000 years ago, they would have artists wanting to paint her, and those portraits would probably be hanging in museums now.  If she was born 2000 years ago, Jesus may have reconsidered that whole dying thing.  She is so beautiful that being blond has no effect on her being at the top of my list.  Simply gorgeous.  And she appeared on Arrested Development which is always a plus.

Honorable mentions: Drew Barrymore, Monica Belluci, Audrey Tautou, Shakira, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lauren Graham, Ashley Judd